Yes you got it to work again! Good to have you back big sis^-^ I'll have to get that game.

yes im happy to be back the game has such a good plot line and the swap note you sent me i really will miss you even though i have never seen you and you have never seen me and me i still think of you as a famliy member a lot of ppl may not think you have a place in this world but you do hey have you ever head of the song 45 by shindown just leting you know a head of time its not talking about the guy ki.lling him slef the song has more meaning then that much more meaning maybe you should google the song befor you hear it becouse half think the song is talking about him ending himslef but its not at all i lisen to it when i have thoughts like you have it may help you plz my lil bro plz belive me you are a wonderfull person just think of what i say when others so those mean things to you.

Thanks messy this means so much... it's just... it's getting really hard lattly... I've been getting these mixed emotions... part of me says to just end it will the other part says don't... It's just very over whelming right now... I failed another test... my dad's going to yell at me when he sees it... I do try but then I don't... this stoopid part of me says why bother studying your going to fail it anyways... it says the samething with staying here... I'm going to fail... I try to put happy thoughts in it but then this stoopid voice comes in and just... lists so many things that'll go wrong... even if I do survive two more years of this I'll have to escape some how... I'm sixteen and I still don't have my lisences! How I'm I suppose to get away!?! On my little bike!... Even If I do find away to get threw that problem then I'll have to find a place, a job... no one's going to take me I'm an idiot!... an idiot... no one listens to my ideas I'm just the tool that does what he is told... I was always taut that if you do what is right, do what your told that life would reward you... that's the biggest lie in the world... and I beleaved it... I try to be nice... when my parents tell me to do something I'd do it... when someone needs help I try and help... then they ask for more and more... I don't no why I do it anymore! I don't know why I try to plz my parents anymore they just find something else wrong with me... I don't know why it hurts when their disipointed in me... I don't know why it hurts to see ppl together... to see everyone with someone... to turn left and right and see that I have no one... everyone looks at me weird treats me different... I was only trying to please them... I was taut that it's nice to be quiet, speak when spoken too, don't interupt, stand at a respectable distance, follow rules, give respect... The adults like it... they liked it when I sat quietly when I was supposed too... but everyone else hated me for it... Why is everything a lie..

..Why is it that everything I was taut to be right wrong to everyone... Why am I a bad person... why is it I can't stop thinking... I have conversations with my self and I hate it... I hate talking to myself... I hate myself... I keep trying to tell myself I'll get threw it, but I just see everything infront of me... and I just wanna end it... I don't have any friends at the same time I do, I have you my alsome big sis and then my other friends... I don't want to hurt any of you... but I would be by leaving... and I couldn't bare knowing that I had hurt you... I wish fate, God, what ever is pulling at my strings like I'm some kind of puppet would stop! It's not fair I did what I was told was right... why am I punished for that... How do I know if I'm not going to hell anyways... and if I end it now to at least get ride of some of the pain will God spit at me and show me what I could've had if I just stayed a little longer... that little longer just keeps getting longer... I'm sorry I don't what to do I'm torn between just... just giveing up... or staying here... I don't know if it'll be all for nothing, and I need something right now! I... I can't go on like this everything I do falls apart...

Van dont do anything rash ok frist off ya i was raised like you too so i come off real shy becouse i dont talk so i get made fun of and yes i do too get mad a lil when i see ppl together smileing with a true smile becouse in my mind i think i bet if there had my life that person would not smile like that your not dumb i think the thing you need most is to be heard but you scared to talk becouse you dont want to see ppls death glares aimed at you and you dont want to hear mean thing being said to you? if so ya i know the feeling all to well

it hurts me to hear you so sad it makes me feel like i jumped in to a frozen lake you are a nice person and a great brother thats why i think i hurt so much becouse you remind me of a friend ship i lost...if i keep thinking of the past too much i will never move forward your friend ship has shown me this im happy that i can feel this kind of pain again thank you...i hope you understood this Van its your call what you do i just want you to be happy dont lose sight of whats in front of then you relize it and it be too late ok your dad is mean i would so yell at him if i saw him cut your string off be free to live you life your way god has no say in he will do nothing to harm you im proof i really dont like that man dont worry about me i just want you happy i will miss you if you go i understand your not the only one with those thoughts in your mind your not alone. you are a nice person Van just remember this that i care for you and your not alone

O and before i forget everthing i tell you is not a lie so there not everthing in your life is a lie anymore!

does it have something to do with that hat?

i dont understand what you are asking im sorry

I was wondering if the hat had something to do with your character's backstory ( someone special gave it to her that sort of thing)

o no i just could not think of a good hair do so i just gave her a cool hat

I'm sorry Messy I don't mean to cause you sadness or pain... but that is exsacally how I feel... I want to be heard but I so tired I'm ppl stareing at me like that... I don't know what I'm going to do yet... I'm just torn between staying just to fail anyways... never able to be free... I don't want to hurt you tho... I feel that I have tho... I'm just lost... my knife isn't sharp enough can't figure out how to sharpen it and I fear missing... that would be annoying... I hate roller costers so I'm not going to jump... Plus I need to find a good place to hide myself... I don't want to make a mess and my brother or sisters could use my stuff... plus I don't want my mom to see me like that... better the police just find me... I don't what I'm doing anymore... I'm probably just delaying the enedable... I'm sorry Messy I should have never gotten any of you involved... I'm just not a good person... I'm only going to hurt you... I'm sorry... I don't mean to be... I just am... I'm a horrible person... and I'm sorry for being one...

I don't know what I'm going to do yet... but please know I'm sorry... I really am... a bad person...

godda.mn it Van stop its ok you may have draged ppl in to it but i for one em staying with you do not push me away and dont put the mask back on ether im here for you and i allways will be the pain is healing me its like puting water on a burn ya it hurts at frist but it makes the burn better like i said i will miss you van if you go but your in chains right now huh lil brother live how you wantand i swear to you i will never forget you even if you go i will miss you but i will allways remember you van if you go im so sorry i could not save you brother so sorry

Van you are a nice great person you just have yet to see it again im sorry i could not save you you really are a nice human not just a human but a friend not just a friend but a brother i like thinking of you as all 3 : )

Hu I never thought of pain that way before, your water metaphor... I've just never thought of it that way... pain is just... well pain, at least to me... I'm sorry I'm not making much sence today. I'm just... waiting... Oh and it wouldn't be your fault if I left... it would be mine... you did the best you could and I appresiate that, I really do not very many ppl do that for me... but I'm not gone yet... I'm still kicking... I guess. I'm going to stay, or I'll try... thanks for not giving up on me...

i will never give up on you never even if you left

I'm not going to do it any more. I'm going to try, just one more year! Just one more, I'll figure the rest out when I get there. Just one more.

Van i know that you can do just wait it will all work out in the end stay strong

I'll try

thank you for saying that!

I... I can't promise tho... I'm unstable right now... and I don't want to hurt you if I do... it...