Sighs I lowkirkenuinely kinda wish I got aborted, but I didn't, so now we're here

I have no friends because it is impossible for me to consider someone a friend. I lack the ability to trust others in the first place, and I'm too worried about myself and my image to commit to anything. I really don't like anybody, except for my family. I'm always too scared I'm going to get hurt or humiliated, so I try to even avoid friendships in the first place.

I wish I could just lay in bed all day. That way, I would have no stress, and I would be surrounded by things that comfort me, such as my plushies or my Kristoph Gavin pictures.

It's weird how I can read Ao3 reader fanfics and think "Oh, I wish this was real," but if it were real, I'd probably be crying and scared. I wish I could trust someone enough to not try to use me. I'm not a tool, but nobody cares about me enough to notice that.

At this point, I'm sure it's my fault that my cousin has gone out of control and tried k.lling her mom multiple times. I was mean to her as a kid because I thought see was annoying and gross. I would exclude her on purpose, but I only really did that because that's how I felt at school. Nobody liked me, and I was made fun of. I know I can't entirely blame myself, especially since my parents have said that she has always been weird, but I feel partially to blame for creating her.

I wonder how different my life would be if I went to a good school. I genuinely hate my school and the filthy human scum there. My life could be so much better than it is now, but no, I have to go to a under-funded school ran by nepotism, greed, and idiots. The main reason why I strive for academic perfection is so I can prove everyone else that they were wrong about me. I feel disgusted when I get anything lower than a 95, because I need to prove I'm the best. My school scares me though. (1/2)

I fear that I'm not as intelligent as I believe I am, and this is because my school has incredibly low standards. I already know almost everything they teach us. I'm scared that when I do Gov school, or when I go to college, that I will fail because this pathetic school lead me to believe that things would be easier. I don't know what to do anymore. (2/2)

I wished somebody cared about me. Not for what I can do for them and not for what they want me to do, but for me. I want somebody to accept and care about the person that I am, but nobody will. I'm not sure how much longer I'll have to wait for this, but I've been waiting for sl long. Unfortunately, I am merely just an accessory and a tool. Nothing more. I'm aware that I'm not the best person in the world, but I want to be loved more than anything. (1/2)

I could never do what my disgusting ex did. He took advantage of me so he could feel love and pleasure. He knew I liked him, so he used me. I knew he did for the longest time, but I didn't want to face the truth. I was a fool, but I'm not dense. He broke up with me once I was too busy with school for him to **** off to me. I hated it. I hated when he would touch me. I told him I did, but he didn't care. Now when I'm touched, I'm reminded of his filth. I never told anybody because I'm weak. (2/2)

I deserve better. I pretend every night that somebody is telling me that I'm perfect and loved. Nobody else will. Even if, the idea is too daunting. I wish somebody other than myself could understand me.

I love yumeshipping. My F/Os aren't real, so I can't be hurt. I love Kristoph Gavin. He's one of my favorite things ever. He's perfect. I wish he was real so I could pamper him and let him know how much I admire and love him. Sigh

I might have half of the cluster b personality disorders (guess which ones), but I'm busy with school, so idrc about that rn

I hate this. My stupid "friend" tried to tell me that this girl I despise is smarter than me. My "friend" said it was because she acts like a college student, and I, in my "friend's" eyes, do not. What a foolish thing to say. It's inconceivable. The girl I hate literally has no personality. All she does is complain about her home life and her school work. I never have to complain about my work because I do it on time, yet she acts like a "college student?" Shut up. (1/2)

Not only that, but I have better grades than her anyways. Just because I'm not in the higher math class doesn't mean I wouldn't be good at it. That was the school's decision, not mine. Has she ever gotten a perfect grade on a state test? No. I hate my "friend" for that. My "friend" said that I "act like a goober." Okay, I'm sorry that, unlike the girl I hate, I have a life outside of school. I'm so sick of being surrounded by pathetic slop every day of my life. Get me out of this school now.

That was 2/2. I forgot to put it. I'm sorry.

I feel like my looks are all I have left. I wouldn't consider myself attractive, but since my intelligence is disregarded, I'll take whatever I can get. I'm truly talentless, and it is humiliating. Nobody likes my art, nobody acknowledges how smart I am, and nobody cares about me.

I'm so tired of this planet fr >w<

I'm literally good for nothing. I have no talents, and I'm too scared to check my grades. My existence is truly meaningless. I've never felt more pathetic in my life. I think about ending it all every day now, though I could never actually go through with it.

I'm so pathetic. I have no personality; it's all just taken from characters or people I inspire. It's all fake and "fine" until I'm alone, in which case, I'm forced to sit with the truth. I've always done this, and I know there's something not right about it, but I just can't place it.

"I'm going to lock in this weekend" and then my dog d.es.

I can't sleep because it smells like something is burning.

Can I literally just be good at something for once in my pathetic life?

Since I just released more art, I'm considering deleting this whole post out of fear that this may cause some sort of backlash or something.

I think I might delete all the art I've actually drawn and stick to templates.

I hate my stupid friends. :\