Hey, do you need to talk?

yes...i wanna talk abt alot but by venting so much that doesnt even lift weight or whev tf idk if i wanna especially bc ive started feeling like an attention-seeking sl4t and annoying person who cant make decisions...

...i feel f lonely,
like even though i still see a few online friends now and have someone to talk to i still dont feel right like im having a good time but thwn im suddenly sad and lately ive been overthinking things ik will happen and

i feel stupid for opening up bc ppl tell me they dont wanna hear it and my stupid attention-desperate a$$ has started being casual-dark like i said "ohhh, new trick for my scissors" and they tell me they dont wanna know abt that and that i should go to a *********
and when my friends are afk or go unresponsive after i say smth general i feel like im being annoying and its been happening alot & i think my old friends that are on less hate me and my switch friends have forgot abt me bc i was gone

and f hell, my sis goes on and on abt god and all and i do believe in god but its upsetting when she brings it up like "it was your choice" or "your demon made you stop reading" or "thats why you're so self-loathing" and now my niece chrystal is harsh and rude when she used to be the one to understand me, all because im just their stubborn kid whos tryna have a life even if im miserable.

but ofc then theres school matters, itsbeen out since may 22nd but my sister has threatened to put me online homeschooled to isolate me and she said who gives a sht abt friends theyre all hurting you theyre the reason youre a btich
f-up MY FRIENDS ARENT THE REASON NEITHER ISMY SWITCH IM TIRED THAT YOU AND THE STUPID OTHER PPL HAVE SMTH TO SAY ABT EVERYTHING
...even though my close irl friend i think ive hurt and should stop being around bc i accidentally ignored her when she rlly needed me and

even if i do go back to school i think it wont be the same anymore either, it'll just be that one friend of mine with ADD that i once dated that i now have a crush on now (she crushed our first time) ;will be the only one to fully trust, i'll still have a binch of funny friends to be with but that one friend will be the only one i feel ok being open around and i feel like bythe time im a senior i'll be seperate from everyone
and my sis say im the prob in my family and my friends hurt me and im

th bully at school when F-UP NO IGS NOT THE 1980S ANYMORE IT ISNT HOW IT WORKS IM F STOIC OF SOCIALIZING BC OF MY ANXIETY THAT YOU HATE AND MISUNDERSTAND SO MUCH....

LIKE MAKE UP YOUR MIND AM I THE ONE PICKED ON OR AM I THE OATHETIC REASON THEY ALL HSTE ME LIKE MAKE UP YOUR MIND OF WHAT YOUR VIEW IS

...

by now i just want scissors shoved in my pocket with the stupid a$$ smirk i used to carry on my face again.

bc my stupid A$$ cant even cry correctly. i gotta cms to sleep in order to at least water up my eyes before they suddenly stop like my own tears f jinx me.

...but i cant even kedp quiet now can i? i cant say i wanna talk but not wanna vent bc then im instantly venting either way, when all tat isnt even half the reason ihms rn.

im just f misunderstood or alone or hurtful to others or a burden or too annoying or too-serious-or-not or whev the f