it's not depression. it's not psychosis. it's not you. it's not me. not my brain. my lungs. my alien skin. the rapture of panic floods existence. anyone, someone, no one. self-reliant. self-hatred. self-destruction. body twisting, a rat king, tied to thoughts, feeling of isolation. i don't want to be. i don't want to be dead, i don't want to exist. let me be anything than something.