speaking of- i actually screenshot a lot of comments from my friends when they're being sweet or silly bc i like to look back at them.
it helps remind me that you guys do care at least a little bit if u went through the trouble :'] <3

most of them are from jasper thodjjjcchchsh

i miss you but i don't yk
like idk u just disappeared 2 months ago exactly and it hurt a lot
but
idk
i survived i guess
i found out i didn't need you as much as i thought i did
all finding out you were still okay really did was make me stop worrying about you and move on
i got over it

my best friend left and i got over it yk
you told me you wouldn't leave and assured me that i didn't have to worry about my abandonment issues with you but idk
i guess i did bc u left
and i got over it bc i hadto

bc i couldn't afford not to

and now it just feels kinda empty
im numb and it's obviously not your fault.
im sure you had incredibly valid reasons for leaving and it's probably really selfish of me to be this affected by it but yk
but i am
i was
idk

i think you were really just delaying the inevitable.
having you as such a positive and amazing force in my life was bound to end at some point and it did.

it happens with all my friends though so not really a surprise there.

i either get taken away from them or they get taken away from me or they leave by choice and their own free will and i just
idk im tired of losing people
i don't even try to make friends irl anymore because they never last.
my mom always has some issue with them or if she doesn't, you can count on me to ruin it somehow.

even online i can feel myself pulling away from my friends because i don't wanna go through this again. I meet special people and then they're gone and i hurt or i hurt them and

what's the point yk?

plus everyone already has their people that they stay online to wait for or match users with or are unconditionally there for each other for and i don't have that anymore and i don't wanna intrude on my friends' special friendships yk

i hate being the backup friend but i don't want to get close enough to anyone anymore to be their first choice, it just hurts more when that's over.
:[

im tired of being the cause of problems but in my case getting rid of the cause only causes more problems.
i know that if i got rid of the problem it'd hurt my siblings and i do know that my friends care about me to some degree so i can't and im just stuck hurting my parents and being a nuisance to everyone.

i want to be better i just don't know how :[
im trying to keep myself together and not overreact to things and not be impolite and not complain too much and do things correctly and say the

right things and not say the wrong things and act less like this so my parents don't get upset and stop crying so much it looks attention seeking and hurts your moms feelings and don't you realize how great your life is and don't you realize how hard we work and you react like this? don't you realize how much you're letting the family down and god down and you're hurting us pluto. you're stressing your mom out and you're going against the bible and i go through so much pain just for you to

not be grateful and say the things you do and hide stuff and lie and if you prayed more or tried harder and weren't so lazy and tired all the time and heped your family and did this and did that then maybe MAYBE you could be of use to society but you're just a burden and your family would be better off without you and you cause all of your problems and it's your fault and i didn't have good parents like you, they weren't looking out for me and compared to me, your life is perfect

so why aren't you happy

why cant i do anything right
why cant i talk to my mom when im upset
why cant i find the words to tell her anything at all
i physically cannot speak to her about anything that matters because it'll hurt her and i don't want her to have to worry about me
and im tired of that
im tired of having to walk on eggshells not to disrupt my parents' moods and cause problems and i try so hard not to and im still the family disappointment.
why doesn't my dad try harder to be in my life
why didn't he try

before his new girlfriend showed up.
i can tell she's good for him and i love her to pieces but idk
i wish he'd done that on his own
for himself
im so tired of trying to decipher if people like me or if im wanted or valued in relationships and i wish i didn't overreact and cry and hyperventilate over slight changes, in mood i don't want to be emotionally needy or in constant need of affirmation why can't i just exist and be happy

i should sleep

idk im sorry that was so emo i didn't mean for that to get so out of handksjdjccj

hi to anyone who read allat (:grimacing:) hope you're doing alr :heart:

also 2 weeks for anyone counting (me)
hope they're ok

ahhHhHHhhh kaecyn Im sorry abt your parents and if it makes you ffeel better you're the only person i spoke to during the first week when i came back to colors after my "i dont wanna talk to anyone anymore" phase

im sorry if this is happening to you a lot i'll be here when things go rough.

awhh im so sorry pluto that this is happening to you
dont listen to your parents, god isn't the answer to happeness. it's your choice on who you want to be in life, and don't let you parents ever let you think otherwise.
and i know its super diffucult to find good friends, that'll actually appricate who you are as a person and loves you unconditionally.
and ik that it must be very challenging right now, as for how your feeling. but, remember theres people out there that care about you. <333
we all love u kae and dont forget it <333 /p
im hoping for the best for u, feel better sooon <33