it's always so weird drawing myself fem presenting and posting it.
even though im a form of genderfluid and it's not uncommon for that to be how i feel sometimes
it's just
idk
i like my body, i genuinely do, even on my masc days, most i wish for is a binder or like the work ethic to work out
but i hate being perceived as a girl yk?
i hate that ive come out to a couple of my friends irl and they still say things like 'girlboss' or something to refer to me and ik they don't REALLY see me as nb

but oh well this is how i look rn i gotta get over myself :skull:

only 500 days left of having to comply to the binary

nvm it's 501
woah that's insane to think abt

my parents were arguing earlier bc my mom wants to move out to where the pastor and his wife and her friends moved to and my stepdad was trying to explain that he doesn't want to follow the family around like a puppy.
Like he wasn't even being mean about it- he was genuinely trying to communicate that while it's understandable that she wants to live near her friends, he does have like
a whole family to take care of and us moving suddenly isn't financially realistic

like he wasn't even against the idea, while it's not what he wants, it's just not??? a realistic expectation to have???
it may be one of the very very very few times i agree with that man on anything and it's not even just bc i don't wanna move out there too.
she seems to be the only one who doesn't see how ridiculous this is though.
like she wants to uproot the entire family and move everyone out of the house we've lived in for quite some time now to go follow the pastor's family around.

she doesn't even care that no one else wants to move.

like she's trying to take my sisters away from their friends and my stepdad away from his family here and me out of theater(with the closest thing i have to friends) so she can go be with her friends.
like dawg- i get u miss them but we see them every 1-2 weeks still

i don't even get to have friends and she wants to take everyone else's away.

like fr it feels like im not allowed to have them.
I got taken out of school and my best friend that i had there visited and she didn't like her. I made a friend at jujitsu and she literally pulled me out of jujitsu (which she'd forced me INTO) to take me away from her bc she thought she was rude (she didn't say hi to her a couple times and apparently dressed 'trashy') she regularly takes me away from my online friends

the list goes on- i have one 'friend' that she doesn't hate and if she knew she was bi and had supportive parents she'd get rid of her too.

i say 'friend' because i suspect that her parents are behind her interacting w me but that could just be my innate assuming everyone dislikes me bc im boring speaking, who knows.

i should text her and see if we can hang out bc if i have to wait 501 days to be 18 i need to escape the house every once in a while.
plus maybe i can gaslight her into thinking

im actually an interesting person :yum:

idk
she's really cool though
even if a little hard to match energy with.
i'm kinda good at syncing my personality to people's online but it's harder to do in person.

oh well

im trying to talk myself to sleep atp and it's not rlly workingsdjdjj

i could always stop distracting myself and cry instead but it sounds tiring (which ig is the point)

being a minor is like playing the demo to life to me yk
like if i hit 18 and im not convinced that it's worth it to stick around then oh well no one can say i didn't try to like the game.

that was dark mb.

um!!! idk
what's less grim.
uh
college
if i do stick around i am excited for that (mostly bc ill be in a different state than my suffocating parents)
my grandma said i could move in with her for college

i want to study psychology and be a children's therapyst
bc like if i ever have kids i want to be equipped to help them emotionally
like i love my mother but i cannot talk to her bc my words will be weaponised against me and her feelings get in the way.
i don't wanna be that

kind of parent.

idk if i want kids though :skull:
i love them and hate them and im scared im gonna mess up and they'll end up rambling about it on a drawing app at almost 2 am.

idk
kids r cool tho sometimes
my little brother was at the table earlier at dinner (we were forced to eat as a family tonight, it's wild that some of y'all do that all the time- i would die)
but my stepdad was talking with his hands and making big gestures and my brother was copying his gestures while he talked it was

rlly silly :]
i love him he's adorable
i can only hope and pray that his parents treat him correctly as he grows up
and i hope that i'll still get to be a part of his life when i leave the house
bc his parents have made it very clear that they will cut off family that they think stray from God's word and as much as i love him and my other siblings, im not gonna continue to pretend to be what they want me to be when i don't have to.
i keep up that so they leave me alone for the most part

but on that joyous note i will be making my exit.
i'm finally sleepy
and you, yes you person reading this if anyone fr read allat, i hope you know that there's at least one person out there that loves you or will love you- if you haven't met them yet. i guarantee you.
and if u can't think of anyone well i love you, you're an amazing person to have made it this far<3, go you :]

@OSITOBIMBO it was good :3 i love u more <33

idk why i read all if it

hope you feel better!

@OSITOBIMBO NUH UH I LOVE U THE MOST GRRR <3333 HUGS

@sleepybagchan28_ thanks :] lol

@hemorrcage ily sssm henhen
giving u all the love in the world rn fr <3333