not sure if
no one is on
or
i have no friends
lol

OH MY GOD ILYSM XD

Adele, thanks for stopping by ;]

XD XDDDDDD

luv u too thank you for chatting <3 I'm in my "oh i'm fine" complacent mode, but when I think about things too much it quickly turns to "my life is in shambles" me muero mode XP

how are you holding up?

:] that's great! i'm glad! do you mind if I vent some irl things?

okay :] so, I don't usually share a lot of personal info online, but I've always been honest about what I did share. It took me forever to "leak" that I'm married, but I've actually been married for 5 years, we were together for two years before that, and friends for two years before that. So we've been thick as thieves for nearly ten years. He is my best friend, but he is not "open" if you know what I mean. It's really hard to converse with him. I can spill my guts to him all day, but he hardly says anything. He does have moments when he'll talk, but not often. I have next to no social life, but I HAVE TO HAVE SOCIAL INTERACTION. I start to feel suffocated if I don't. And since I have no irl friends to talk to, I delve into some online forum like this.

It's really unusual because I am an introvert, but I have this social necessity that's like a flame: I have to have it, but I quickly burn out and need to withdraw back into my introverted-ness to recover.

I gotcha, he's just a special case. He was diagnosed with type I diabetes when he was 4. When his glucose is off, he is really moody and he will cut me short and say he doesn't feel like talking. Also, I'd love to go out to dinner with him, but every time I suggest it, he just wants to get some take out and relax at home.

but that's really less of an issue anymore. I mean, I'm really used to that by now.

Anyway, he is really active online. He's ALWAYS on Facebook, Instagram and etc with his phone... bug he like avoids the stuff I use, like tumblr and pinterest and colors... it's like he's totally uninterested. I show him stuff all the time, but he doesn't even check my facebook haha. I don't know wht, but it makes me feel lonely

Oh, well I am sort of suffering kind of in the background from it, but the sad feelings from it only surface when something else is wrong, if that makes sense?

I know he loves me, and I love him so much. He has his problems and we're both imperfect, so I don't expect him to be /everything/ for me. I mean, it's unrealistic to expect that from anyone. What I really need is like... a second bestie. But all my irl "friends" are more like friends of family or friends of friends and I'm just the courtesy friend or whatever. They're all utterly uninterested in my interests, and that's also lonely.

I'm 28 years old, and the older I get, the more difficult it is to find really real friends, especially when my interests are considered "childish." But I love kids. I always knew that I'd want children of my own, but I felt like things are so bad in the world these days, that it would be selfish of me to bring a child into the world (oh my god I just started tearing up) when there are so many kids already in it who need families. Mark (my hubby) said before we married that if it happens, he'd be happy, but that he doesn't want to go out of his way to have children. That was six years ago. I don't know why, maybe bc I'm getting older or maybe bc my little bro and my older sis both had babies last year, but like I have this insane desire to have kids right now.

He's black and you've seen pics of me, I'm /white/-white haha. But I think we would have beautiful children.
Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve Mark. He's handsome, and funny and really fit, and I'm like super chubby and whiny and annoying...

XD <3 ilysm - well, right now I'm not working, just babysitting my nephews, which complicates emotional things. My depression is so severe that I can't keep a job. Once I get one I really like, I undermine myself until I get to the point where I'm like, "If I don't quit I'm going to be fired!!" It's really hard to find something just right, something I can handle both physically and emotionally. I've mostly come to terms with that, though. (I also have a huge issue with giving up fairly easily, especially on myself)

But, I think he won't admit it, but I'm pretty sure I've softened him to having kids these past few years. For the past year-and-a-half we haven't used any kind of protection and nothing has ever happened. My cycle is also really irregular and I have polycystic ovarian syndrome, so I most likely can't have children w/o fertility assistance, which I really can't afford or talk Mark into.

All that aside, my 7-yr-old baby sister was adopted. She's actually my cousin's child, who has had 4 children and nearly lost all of them. My sis was born addicted to some drug and she was taken by social services immediately and placed with my parents 8 months later. Now, my cousin's fourt child, five-years-old, is probably going to be taken by SS, also. She is mixed and she's beautiful, but everytime I see her I cringe bc her mom has NO IDEA how to take care of her hair. I always give her a bath and fix her hair. She has the same hair type as Mark, and it's super curly. I want to adopt this girl so badly, but I seriously doubt Mark would go for it TAT

It's breaking my heart :[

Anyway, that's what's been weighing on me recently. Now I'm going to go trace a pic of myself from wedding times. I'll be back when it's posted

I'm guessing you had to go... When you come back, wanna chat about ocs?

heeeyyy heeeyyy hi! Sorry had to go from my parents' house to my apartment took a while DX

Oh no! I went to draw a pic

No no! No worries! I figured something like that may have happed :P

Thank you so much! It really helped to get that stuff off my chest <3

I'M ON NOW OH MY GAWWW *cries*

I'M SORRY BEEN DOING LAUNDRY AND BEING SICK