Mental illness is a crappy thing. What once was this thing I hated and wanted gone has become a comfort. Don't get me wrong, I still hate it. If I could just get rid of it, I would. But when you've had it for a while, you get used to it. Even though it's horrible and painful, you feel like if you try to get better, you'll end up worse. I feel like I'm in a well with spikes. I've tried to get out of the well for years and I've always ended up falling down onto the spikes and hurting myself more.