I feel like two people. One full of fury and cold truth and reality while the other hids in happyness.
She think's I'm crazy for thinking this but I feel it inside me! A fire of anger! My emotions are wack. What do I even want anymore? I try to trick myself I'm happy but I'm not.
Colors... I'm so sorry for lying.
I'm sorry for hiding myself.
The moment my true flesh, my personality it shown nobody cares anymore.
But you guys are different and actually like me for who I am. But it feels fake. I can't see your faces nor can you see mine so how do I know you truely care?
To be honest I've wanted to vent like this 20 times before but I let my feelings out to a counselor. They told me to stop deleting my vent paintings and to actually keep what I wrote on them. They wanted me to post it out. That I'm braver to let my feelings out than somebody else in my same place.
I hope they're proud of me. Guys, this is truely how I've been feeling and thinking lately. I'm not an attention hog I swear.

I'm not trying to be edgy. Non of that cra*. I'm angry more often now. With nobody to laugh with now my rage is building.
I'm clumsy.
I've been crying a lot lately. I feel anger and sadness. It hurts I admit it I feel like a train wreck. One minute I'm happy the next I burst into tears.
I don't like my voice.
I don't like how I look.
There's so much I'm sick of. I hide it with my mask of smiles and quote, "I'm doing fine! :D" My internet best friend askes if I'm mad a lot.
Yes I'm mad a lot now a days. However I bottle it.
I bottle my emotions. When it fills up too much or spills I burst with sadness or anger. It repeats endlessly.
Now that I think about I've been always like this since 3rd grade. Being laughed at for being myself burned. Bullying in 4th grade screwed my mind and scared my self esteem. Ever since those two specific incidents I'm shy and scared to talk to new people even though its been so many years since then.
I'm an open book. I have no secrets yets why do I feel-

the need to hide. Even since I visted my family I feel so weird and odd. I'm the most out of place in my family.
It feels better to get this off yet the feeling still drags.
Maybe one day I can find my true happy place.

I'll be honest too, some of my happiest looking paintings are me overcompensating for feeling down-- I don't know, painting just cheers people up, it does! You are great, don't be so hard on yourself, truly! :D I'm glad you're feeling better, but seriously, that's what we, your friends are for! Please just ask if you need anything at all ^-^

Thank you.
I'm truly thankful. I still feel sick in this way yet it feels like a lighter burden.
The reason I obsses about Xenoblade because its one of the few things it makes me happy anymore. Pokemon wore off and Kirby doesn't bring the same feelings I have for Xenoblade.
Side note: I was the user @SuperStarPikachuLol in the past. I hate my old self so much I deleted that account. Since its been almost 3 years I figure nobody will remember that account.

Hey, I totally understand what your going through and honestly I wish you had said it sooner. Keeping those thoughts locked away for that long can get painful and I know you dont deserve that. Your art is fantastic and from what I can tell you are a wonderful person. Dont let the past or future bring you down, just handle what you can in the present. You inspire me Amby, and while I may not know all the answers because Im struggling with the same exact thing right now, I do know that being with these people will help because we all have our own problems but we can solve them together. I hope you feel better.

Please stick to being yourself, and dont try to pile so much at one time. Take it step by step, day by day while doing something you enjoy no matter how small or strange it is to others. I believe in you.

I'm so sorry..
I'm probably not your first choice for a friend but I'm here for you.

Appearently a girl that was becoming my friend found a new one and is ignoring me mostly today.
Sigh.
Well thanks for your kind words guys.

Hey there, I hope your feeling better. Just know, if you ever need someone to talk to about anything, I'm here for you. Amby dear, I love you my friend and sister. I would do anything to not see you sad. Just know that.
Please don't feel down and beat on yourself, your truly better than that. Your such a sweet and amazing friend, a friend I've longed to have and now finally I have it.
Stay strong, Amby. :>