-continuing of my life story...
When Mariah moved away I was a little bit sad but we still talked so I didn't think it was too bad, but then the texts and calls stoped one day, and then another day and it had been a month before I had heard from her and I thought that maybe she was just busy or whatever, but her and my friend Stacey came to me and told me "didn't you hear? Mariah committed suicide a few weeks ago..." when she told me that the rest of the day felt blurry and I didn't know what to do or how to react. I got home and the abuse seemed to of been getting worse and worse and once again I was a sad lonely child. I began to cut myself because I knew Mariah had cut a few times and I thought that if I did it, I would somehow get closer to her. One day it was a week before Christmas a day after this (no joke) and my mom and step dad went out to buy me gifts and i was left home alone, and I couldn't take it anymore. I grabed my leather belt and I went to my white stair railing and wraped it around the top and then my neck and clasped it shut as I took my last breath and I crawled over the railing.

I hung there above the steps gasping and kicking and it hurt my throat so bad, I was hoping to break my neck but it didn't and everything grew blurry. I thought I was almost close to death but then my mom came home and saw me and screamed at me and undid the belt and all I knew is that I passed out and I woke up in the hospital. I was then put on medicine for depression that didn't help and I went to school sad and quiet and lonely, at home I got abused and called names still. One day my only friend Holly introduced me to a girl, a tall beautiful girl with long brown hair and pretty eyes. We met and she smiled at me and I froze at that smile... It had been awhile since anyone had smiled at me like the way she did. Like how Mariah smiled at me...I went home and I didn't feel sad anymore I looked at myself in the mirror and I smiled for the first time in a long long time, a real smile. I went on with that girl becoming her friend and every month that went by I liked her more and more I would go to her house sometimes and wed play on our DS's and laugh so hard over almost nothing. high school came for me and we grew apart for a year and I grew sad and lonely like I did before. until she came to my school now and I was overly happy. It wasn't long before that girl made me fall in love with her and I asked her out and we started to date yes it was awkward at first for her but not for me, I didn't want her to be scared I wanted her to feel loved. I was so happy the beatings didn't hurt anymore, and my mom got a divorce with my step dad and the abuse stopped completely and I felt like I was a brand new person and i was happy and singing in the shower and skipping. Until one day I got a call from my girls dad saying to stay away from her, he didn't like us being together and I grew sad. that night I went into my bathroom and I sat in my bathtub with my moms boyfriend's pocket knife when I was home alone and my stereo was blasting my ipod music, the song "hold on till may" by Pierce the veil came on and I raised the knife to my throat and applied pressure when I heard the song line "Darling you'll be okay" and I froze. I dropped the knife and I curled up and sobbed. after that day me and my girl still looked at each other as a couple but I still cut, and then she found that out which she knew awhile ago and she helped me as much as she could. I just wish that she knew how much she means to me, but shes always so hard on herself. she dosnt see that shes beautiful and intelligent but I wish she did cause she was so talented at drawing and singing and many others. I just wish she saw that...she saved my life, she made me a better person and she got me to stop cutting for a long period of time he stood by me always through everything. Im going to marry that girl someday I know it, ill be damned if I don't. Why cant she see that she is the most beautiful girl to me and that she could ever be replaced, I love her so much. and I hope she loves me as much as I lover her, but then again.. I don't think that will ever be possible.