how you doin man?

sorry if i sounded rough earlier, but reaching out, looking for help like you did, that's a sign of strength. Some people need flowery words and some need the truth, to snap out of it, but flowery words go away.

It's the ones that decide they'd rather let everyone else deal with losing a friend, a son, a daughter, sibling, than have the courage to push on, who are the cowards. The truth is there are stupid pointless parts of life, and i've been through a few. Ending it crosses everyone's mind. But life changes. Big things get small, people leave and new people show up. Life gets better, and then worse, and then better again.

So push on. To tell the next kid that you went through what they went through, and came out the other side.

But what drove you to this point? Tell me, I might have been through the same, or know someone who has. I might know a way out, or a way around it. Try me. Can't hurt.

still checking btw

what did you live for before? and why do they bully you?

All I lived for was to keep my sister happy and safe..... but... everyone bases every single little argument on her....... I can't even do that..... all I ever wanted was to have her be happy, successful, and safe from any harm, mental, physical, or verbal......... as for why people bully us, I can't really give you an answer..... it's always hard to ignore... it's irritating, and..... I just want it all to stop.

well without knowing what they say I can't help you too much, but I think your sister's world would collapse if you decided to leave it, whether you think you're making a difference or not. No one can completely avoid all insults and arguments; they make us stronger if we put them in the right perspective. But I promise you, just being there for your sister makes a big difference to her.

... She's lost all respect for me... she trusts someone else more than me..... she even ignores me most of the time..... how can I live knowing that my sister will stay mad at me...? I've failed her... completely.....

She's even been driven to the point of something beyond insanity..... she's scaring all of her friends..... she's even kept a knife with her in bed, saying it was her "new teddy bear."

what arguments do they base on her? and how did you lose her respect?

They've called us liars because of our ages... they think we're immature, so they say that we're nine year olds..... it's obvious that we try to ignore them, but things keep getting worse....... as for the loss of respect..... I let her down..... I tried to help, but I only made things worse....... and when things couldn't get any worse, it does..... her girlfriend (yes, she is bi) died right in her arms..... I swore to protect them both..... now, my sister is afraid to even talk to me....... nothing ever goes right for us..... now I'm stuck with self loathing... rage... sorrow..... the whole nine yards....... I can't live like this... and I don't know how to fix things.....

If your accusers are online, forget them. Don't make promises you can't possibly keep, you can't be everywhere. How old are you? And how did she die? What could you have done?

I'm sixteen... she died by two bullets..... I could've pulled her away.....

I'm sorry, but no one can pull someone's entire body faster than someone else can change their aim. It's not your fault.

There's this thing called survivor's guilt; it happens when you think someone that didn't make it, deserved to live better than you. Hundreds of thousands of soldiers have this. It's not easy to put away.
If that's the issue or not, I think you should seek some kind of real counselor, for you and your sister. maybe the whole family. Only experts know what to do with these feelings, know which thoughts are true and which are lies we tell ourselves, and they all know ways of thinking about it we haven't thought of.

I know they didn't shoot at you for lying about your age. what aren't you telling me?

Your sister would be no better if it were you. You both probably would have tried something, she just moved first. Now, it IS honorable to wish you could have done something, or been the first to move, but there's nothing more you can do about that moment anymore. That girl got to be the hero that time. I'm not sure if he wanted money, blood, or something else but Her action probably saved both your lives. For either of you to not go on would be wasting her sacrifice. You can still be sad, but be thankful, not remorseful, of her sacrifice. Your job isn't changing the past right now; right now your job is to be there for your sister whether she wants it or not. Be her hero now. Now I don't agree with lying, or with homosexuality to be honest, but I definitely don't agree with harassment, especially after this sort of thing. So you might have messed up somehow, but don't stop standing up for her. And when you don't need to anymore, just talk to her, until she talks too. She needs it.

and find a counselor. Not joking about that.

..... I guess you're right....... but..... even if I talk to her, she'll still reject me as a brother..... I've given her plenty of time to calm down, but..... I just don't know when the right time to talk to her will be....... I won't deny you for thinking such about her sexuality, but... I must be a little protective in some way towards her..... I feel that it may be wrong to some extent, but... she's my sister, and... I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable about her gender preference..... I hope you understand that.

I do. Now's not the best time to talk about that. Just keep trying to talk to her, about anything. Wait until she's comfortable before you talk about what happened.

Well... one problem about that..... whenever anyone mentions something that has to do with their relationship, she bursts out in tears..... I've been able to calm her down, but... not everyone can be aware. I'll try to keep her under control, though. Thanks for everything,

A great deal of time has passed already... and no change has been made. We can't go to a school counselor because she was expelled on her first day, and, no, we can't go to mine because I'm home schooled. We can't afford to go to anyone else, because... well, we're having enough problems as it is... funeral charges, medical costs... there's nothing to do but to just be with her.