hmm, look forward to reading

It's good to get things off your chest. Let it all out. :)

Dooo it... (/).o.)/)

Sometimes, I get asked what it's like to be in constant pain... I usually don't respond, but it's kind of like greiving I suppose.
My 'cycle' isn't over, and I can't be sure it ever will be.
My first moments of realizing this pain was seemingly endless was just shock. I didn't believe it, this wasn't real... It couldn't be! How could I have earned this pain? Surely I deserve this! I couldn't think of any logical solution... and I had nothing to blame, so I blamed the world; nature itself. I told myself surely this was to be expected with my family history... But no amount of loathing the world helped... so I turned on myself, and eventually the God I had been struggling to believe in for my whole life.
It took some time, but eventually... I got even angrier. I had begun to cuss and my sarcastic nature really became prominent if someone even slightly teased me. It took a very long time for me to snap from pain/anger, but it happened to be on Christmas.

(cont.)

My grandmother called me some unsavory things, and it only made me more upset. I yelled at the top of my lungs, much like one of my dream creatures when they're upset. I think my sisters and grandpa were concerned, but they didn't interupt. It must've been eye opening for my mom, but in the wrong way. To this day, she still thinks I'm 'giving up' which I'm /clearly/ not. Anyways... by the end of the night, I was exausted, drew a vent, and slammed myself into bed. After the anger wore off, I because even more severly depressed and anxious than ever before. I found it hard to leave the house without fear of horrible, horrible things happening. Gore... it was all I could see... Coupled with my sui'cidal thoughts, it was the perfect combonation as you might imagine... I had to say I love you to anyone who leaves the house, because, who knows if they'll ever return. I still feel this way, but I denied the pills offered to me by my therepist. (cont.)

I probably should have taken up her offer, because if there is to much fighting, pain, and anxiety... I literally want to scratch my face off and die. Also, when you're in pain, you're friends abandon you like a pride would an injured lion. You see them, enjoying life without you, and passing by your house. They never text, call, stop by... nothing. They forget you like you never existed, they don't want you.

Have you ever played the flash game ''Loneliness''? Go play right now. Tell me how you feel afterwards... I bet you'll kinda know what it's like then if you don't already.
I started Colors! while I was 'ok' Good thing I did... or I might be dead. I need you guys. You are my only friends now, some of you are like family... and I value every second with you guys...

It deleted my comment... so I'll sum it up...
Treatment is horrible. At first, you go to the hospital night after night, getting the same old medicines that do nothing. Soon, you begin to hate the place so you lie about the medicine's effectiveness so you can just GO HOME, where there are no needles in your arms or (usually kind) nurses waking you up at 1 am to see if your pain is better. After months of this, they let you see a specialist who gives you pills... lots and lots of useless pills. When she/he fails, that's when they let you see a REALLY good doctor, the one of the very best in the state. She gives you lots of promise... and at first, her medicines seem to help! But alas, one by one, they all fail you (slowly crushing your hope) and you are eventually left with few options. I'm at this point. I only have two more things I can try before I am shipped of to St.Judes and then sent to Europe to get a device in the back of my head. If that doesn't work?

...There is nothing left to try...

I meant to say this too... but not being in school, in pain, and always drugged tends to make you think and talk really stupidly....

Geez, that sounds horrible. I hate medicines. Seeing the side effects, I usually would rather let my body fight whatever off. So that, would be hell for me.

I'm glad you got this off your chest though. Sometimes you just need to let it out, or it'll build up and you'll snap. Like me... I think I have issues now... I think I might be crazy, or gone mad, I don't know. I don't think the same anymore.

I feel the same way about Colors. I have really great, fun friends, but I just can't talk to them about serious stuff. They end up laughing and making jokes (not in a mean way). And my family already thinks I'm messed up, and constantly lectures me anytime I try to talk to them. So drawing is my only option.

Hope your rant makes you feel better. :) Rant anytime you want, it's okay with me.

Ranting is perfectly fine, Dream. It helps to release the stress. *hugs* Any time you need us, we'll be here.

This sounds very painfull but please don't take any offense when I say this but, all of this pain has morphed you into a strong person. Even though you are still in pain you still fight on.. You still find something in life to care about....trust me I know people who have given up at the very begining but you..you are not one of those people...You still have .....well.....friends who look out for you.....I'm sorry you really don't deserve the pain nobody does....and I'm also sorry if I was ever an annoyance or offended you...

I can believe that you went through all of that. I wish with all of my heart that I can help you somehow. I am here for you. *hugs*

Oh I feel so terribly sorry for you *hugs*

psssst I'm working on a little gift for you. Check my gallery to see the WIP.

Re:
Hm... Eagle :3

The saying, "No pain, no gain," instantly came in my mind from your thoughts. From all of the pain you are now facing, you will be quite strong later, even if its still there. I would be very terrified if I witness a strike of pain through my body that would never dismiss...no matter how much time has passed... : /

*Hugs*... Sorry... :[