I'm quite literally laying on my death bed at this point. You know how I've beaten leukemia like twice before? Well, it's sort of back with a vengence, and we can't afford the marrow transplant I need to get through it. The doctors have given me like a month to live. So it's really brought things into perspective. Ugh, I am such a selfish idiot.

You guys have been so nice to me dispite the fact I bite the hand that feeds me. I can hardly understand why you've been so supportive and kind, when what I really deserve is a good kick in the rear. Life is a real b!tch, and I guess it's tired of me.

Oh... huh...
well... id hug you, but my arms cant reach that far...
nor do i think you would like a hug by me...

And i mean that in a kind way...

If you don't already know, both my parents are dead- I'm in custody of my older brother, Charlie, and unfortunatly he can't make enough money to support himself, let alone me. I am going to die. I am literally going to die. Just saying it is weird. God, I am scared. I don't want to leave. I've only been alive fifteen years and I don't think it should be my time to go! But if it's really my fate, it's likely I can't do anything. I've never had control over much, and now I can't even control my life.

Ahh, ppff.. Smile, what the hell is with your grammar? Anyway, I need to apologize for all the sh!t I've done. Probably starting with you.

My grammar died in a fire...
And I already forgive you...
I've been an a$$ to you many times over, so, honestly, i wish i could make it up to you... i just...
geez...

And, please...
just Stu is fine...

No dude. No. You've already apologized time and time again and I just through it in your face. I've been the a$$. I am sorry for ever starting this cr.ap with you. Honestly, I was jealous you seemed to make friends so easily. I wanted to knock you down. And why? For my own sick satisfaction. I am sorry, Stu. For everything I've put you through. And just because I might be dead by June doesn't mean you have to be nice. I prefer that you'd tell the truth.

I cannot even begin to explain to you how stupid I feel. Just... ugh.

Are you gone already? Hah, I have that effect on people... Better start to talk to myself, or I will most likely lose whatever is left of my mind.

In truth...
Yes, you were an as.s to me.
And yes, i detested you for a while.
However... I just kind of felt as if you were just... different in a way. Odd, yet normal. It's difficult to explain, but it made me feel like you needed a friend of sorts, so here I am.
You may of treated me like crap and slapped me in the face multiple times, but who shows up when you return..?
I did. And more or less to apologise to you. ^-^''
All in all, you may of been an as.s, but for a short time...
I saw that you were a good person in some aspect. Which is why i was determined to stay here as a friend to you...

Ehe, and no, i didnt leave. I'm just running 5 roleplays at once with my girlfriend, but I'm listening.
well, reading.

You know how the whole male dominace thing goes. Guys hate having competition. So as soon as you started playing as Darksighn, I wanted to rip you down. I wanted to be the single, most powerful dark creature Colors had ever seen, and I didn't want anyone taking my spotlight. Why? I'm human. Humans are selfish and idiotic, every one of them. So really I'm apologizing for being a person. For exsisting. At least twenty of my followers left while I was gone sick. I don't blame them. Why put any faith in such an unreliable fu.cking idiot? I am scum. I am absolute cr.ap. I am the hunk of bull sh!t that's been tr.am.pled down by the rest of the herd; the lowest of the low. That's why I wanted to climb up. To be noticed. I have done nothing good with my life, and now it's going to end. Destiny is cruel, and I'm a selfish pr!ck.

But you're sensable enough to relise and forgive...

*apologise

You've changed. You know that, right?

Honestly, I liked the old you better.

Zenix.

Sure, you were a prentend character. But never have I seen someone so open and intelligent.

Now you're just...

Too kind. Too /nice/. Does that sound bad? I liked when you were a rude smart-a$$. It feels like your personality just went down the drain.

Why?

I hate to say it, but you... you're not /you/. Or not the you I know. Even the way you type is strange and foreign. What is going on with you?

Nu... nununu...
OdO.. You can't.. nu...
*kicks life in the nu.ts* You shouldn't deserve this.. no one should deserve this..
Godda.mmit QmQ one of my main inspirations just.. nu... I was planning on getting to know you better.. and perhaps make another gift.. TmT You've left such a mark on Colors.. On all of us..
(I just stood by and watched..)
You will be remembered.. I swear... My boyfriend knows you alot better, so i guess I'll have to ask him who you we're if you can't tell me..
Darn it.. omo And to think I barely have summed up courage to comment..

Someone forced me to give that up...
Misfortunately, things change. Actually, most everything changed after you blew the entire thing up. I use that term lightly. She left, most my friends either left or dont trust me, and i partially withered on the inside.
It's as if Zenix and Grin were actually a part of me and they just died after everything happened. Now all that's left is a remenant... I suppose it could be revived, but...
i just havnt seen the use.
i thought that that person wasnt who I was, and since you wanted me to be me, i just contain him...

You were once so intricately calm and sharp-witted. You were insulting and smart and it was mentally stimulating to converse with you. Now you are just so... how can I say it... /distant/. Like someone's k!lled who you really are. And you're just an empty shell.

...At least, that's the feeling I get.

I just thought that he... i was fake. Made up after I made myself up...
Ultimately, I created someone that was me, but then I thought it wasnt, so I had to remake myself again...
This is why I'm afraid to be myself... because I dont know who I am...

And, Ale? Why do you not have the courage to speak to me? I'm a person... though a sh!tty one, at that...

...You are you, Zenix.

I suppose that is who I am...
yet it seems that i've just hidden it... again...
*sigh* Foolish foolery often creates a fool of a fool...

I'm bipolar. I use OdO's forms to represent that. I'm really three different people held captive in one fragile little body. I had issues figuring out who I was. But I know now. Experiences... have shown me... what I am, I suppose...

Oh uh.. well, first of all, you are one of my inspirations for when i draw dark things..
Second of all, I'm quite shy in a way. I dunno, you seem to be in a higher place than me, but that just how I think of everyone. And.. Stu's change.. maybe I'm a little guilty..? Have some role to play in there methinks.

I think I know what we should do. Right now.

Tell me, what should we do, hm..?

We..? *just randomly assumes I'm included*

Whitelinelies- blengh that methinks saying reminded me instantly of that. Ugh. Anyway. My plan. All of us need to dig deep. And I mean, really deep. Salvage the scraps of who you are and put them together; create something that is really, entirely /you/. I am going to do that. And tag it #UnsavoryTruth, if you will. Because whatever we come up with may not be the person everyone really thinks you are.

But... .w." I think everyone knows what I am.

I'm going to do that now, actually. I'll probably have it done by tommorrow. If I don't die, that is. I am off for now. And when I draw this, I am not going to hold anything back. I expect you all to do the same. Farewell.

Hm...
Sounds good.
It gives me an excuse to meditate.
Havnt done so since last summer. Beginning of last summer, actually...
sheesh... that long..? Eh, oh well.
...
Oh, and, heh...
I've kept all my older pictures I've made.
All of them... It's actually kind of like a scrap book. Amazing, really...

Oh, and... okay. It will be my next drawing.
I may have difficulty, actually...

Adieu OdO..

Aghhh.. I never got to know you but whoa..
It's always sad to hear about something like this, I'm really sorry.
Just.. aghsjvjf
All I can do now is pretend I were hugging you and hope for the best.

I wish you the very best no matter what happens.
<3

I'm sorry, OdO. I make bad first impressions, and I'm not a good friend. I'm going to miss you.

oh odo...this tears me up. I feel really bad for y-you!! I would help but i fear i am too far away...man, we all love you and want you to live...maybe you could start a donation...p-please odo..i dont want you to die...

You honestly are my favorite artist an you kno what, i wish you all my luck, hon...

Odo, i thought you were just busy and you were gone a long time, but wow. I always thought you disliked me (a lot of people do) and i really wish i could do something. I dont even know what lukemia IS. so just wow. Honestly i dont know what to say, i am stunned, or something. i cant find the right word. But yeah. You're so young and I always thought my life was s.hit. Im 20 and my existing family doesnt even enjoy my presence but at least i dont have a month to live... I really wish i could take your spot, you're still young and deserve to enjoy life...UGHUU now i'm just rambling...I wish the best of luck to you, sweetheart.

I'm so sorry for not having said (typed) much.
I have no idea what to say but I feel like I should say something. Isn't there anyone else who could help you? That is simply far too early to die.
Again, I really feel bad for not having said anything, I had no idea. :U

Nooooooo OdO... >A<

...Could we set up a fundraiser for you? I would so donate money if it meant saving you!!!

OdO, could we set up a fundraiser for you to pay for your bone marrow?? I can set one up and ask everyone to donate :')

im sorry i was such an as.s to you when i first met you. you've left a mark on colours. and you'll be remembered forever. im sorry for alot really. we'll miss you. i'll miss you... goodbye.

Well...
After you go to a higher existence, visit me sometime. I'll keep an eye out for you. Ehe, i do hope you will.

Odo, you were the first person I followed. (Gee what an honor *sarcasm) Although that might not mean much, you're my favorite artist here on Colors! and I love every single one of your paintings. You can get through this and everyone is a complete a.sshole sometimes. Just don't worry. Sometimes sh.it happens and you just step over that big stinky cow pie in the road and keep walking. (Wow cow turds, not demoralizing at all *sarcasm*)

OdO, come on...

Delete my comments, will you?

Okay, I'm just gonna say this:
I STILL CARE. I still think of you as a friend! I really don't want you to die, okay?
What do you expect me to do?!

I hate you. I hate everything so much. Why am I even alive? WHO THE FU.CK THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY TO PUT ME ON THIS PLANET JUST TO KI.LL ME?

Yes, I did.
Because I don't want other people to see them and yell at you.

No you don't.

You don't even fu.cking know.

Grop, OdO. I don't want to fight.

You could not possibly BEGIN TO FEEL THE FU.CKING RAGE THAT IS POURING THROUGH MY GOD DA.MN HOSPITAL-BOUND BODY. I literally HATE EVERYTHING.

No, I can't understand. I know that.

THIS ISN'T EVEN FU.CKING FIGHTING. I'm just SCREA.MING these words into empty FU.CKING SPACE. BECAUSE NOBODY CARES, MAYA. NO ONE. CARES. ABOUT. ANYTHING.

I care. I just can't help you.

I LOVE HOW YOU'RE TRYING TO BE SENSIBLE. WHAT THE FU.CK ARE YOU ON, MAYA? How can everything be so FU.CKING BEAUTIFUL FOR YOU? Have you looked at humanity yet? HAVE YOU SEEN WHAT WE FU.CKING ARE?

No.

Just no.

Grop, OdO. Don't even go there.
My life isn't beautiful. It's boring. (Besides, I'm listening to relaxing music.)

That's it. I'm done. Life is fu.cking cruel and I'm sick of it. Goodbye, Maya. I'm just done. I'm going to fu.cking end it before I can suffer any longer.

No, don't!

Please, no!

OdO...

I remember when you first joined Colors. EdE was cool, but you were awesome. You immediantly blew me away.

Good times...
Grop, I hope you're still there.

...

OdO!

I'm sorry.
Goodbye.

I've always looked up to you, Maya. But now I'm tired of it; tired of living. I'm sorry. I love you. Goodbye, I'm afraid we won't be seeing eachother again.

You love me?
I usually don't say this, but I love you too.

I can't, OdO. I feel so sad.

Don't leave me.

I'm so sorry.
Goodbye James.

If anyone's reading this whole, uh.. comment exchange.. James 'ended it' the night he uh.. posted those comments above.. He hung himself using a belt.. He was holding a pen, and had written a note that said

"I didn't want to be ki//ed by some da.mn sickness, so I ki//ed myself. And, to anyone wondering;
I'm still holding the red pen."

It's hard to, uh.. interpret what the note means.. So.. I'll leave you guys with that..

It's so weird to look at his comments.. It's almost like he's still here..

...James was a good friend.
Even though our friendship was one of insults and hate, I cared about him.
I could even say loved him, but that stretches it a bit too far. If it was red, I'd say more pale. Yet black? Maybe ashen.
Ugh. Look at me. A death, and I sit here blabbering about Homestuck.
I knew that this would happen eventually. His death.
I knew he had leukemia. I knew he was dying, and had a month.
But I can't do anything.
I'm a stupid, 13-year-old horomonal teenager. I couldn't help. I never can.

...I feel like it's all my fault.

Now. Let's all make a proper goodbye tribute and all draw his favorite Homestuck character, Dirk Strider. He stressed about people drawing him a lot.
I know it's too late.
But we may as well not throw his death in a pit and forget him.

That would be stupid.

...I'm gonna go draw Dirk now. I'll tag it with OdO...

Also, any news of Darkie's bro?

*sigh*
he may of been an a$s...
But he was a friend nontheless... he did not deserve death, only life....
though i may not of saw it at first, or a lot of people, i still saw good, even though he often hated me... despised me...
That is why I wanted to forgive him....
i just hope he's happy in the higher planes rather than these cursed lower ones...
i'll miss him...

We all will miss him, Smile... But.. I don't think James would want us to blubber about it.. Perhaps we could try to keep his account alive..? I have his pas.sword, somewhere.. uh.. or we could attempt to at least keep James' favorite character, OdO, alive, perhaps by.. uh.. drawing him.. I don't know, I've never been good at.. planning.. Perhaps I should upload his unfinished paintings..

He still has the red pen.
It's a reference to one of our conversations.
I'm taking this surprisingly well...

OdO.............no........

Thank you for notifying me..
I wouldn't be considered much of a friend.. Just a fan.. I wanted to be a friend, but its too late now..
*sigh*

He wrote all over his, uh.. walls.

Thanks for telling me....

also, same as Doctor... this heavily saddens me....I will definitely be making a drawing of his oc....

The biggest sentance says 'COme f!nd me'.. There are a few others, like, 'Hate' or 'Tal!v GarrOt' or something like that.. do you guys know what that, uh, means? I was friends with him in reality, but I don't, uh.. know much about his online life..

I don't remember what it means, but it is significant. I think Smiley would know.

I sketched up something that I don't want to post. Mainly because it's mushy. OdO doesn't like mushy stuff.

I don't think Smile likes me.. uh, same with.. Happiness.. they think I'm joking about James' su.icide..

This is just terrible..
And to think I almost left as well... I'll never be able to bring myself to do it again after this..

What do you mean by "joking"? He did end himself, though...

Hehe, and, ChibiNel.. James actually was a very.. mushy person.. He loved reading sad things, and he'd call me in the middle of the night, crying about something he just figured out about some character or another.. He tended to squeal and flap his arms like a little girl when he heard about stuff like people hooking up, and, uh... he had a serious thing for shipping strangers he passed by on the sidewalk while we would be heading to the broken tree..

Grop.
I'm still super embarassed about it.

Haha, pretty sure he's cursing you right now for telling us that X3

There are.. a lot of things he liked to hide, when he was.. on Colors. Whenever you or um.. Smile would say something he considered offensive, he'd get all teary.. he had a problem with crying.. He was kind of a baby.. It's strange to think he's not going to be calling me at midnight about Andrew Hussie ki//ing off his favorite character.. twice..

Huh? I used to offend him?
GROP.

Either way, I don't want to post it. It's only a sketch. No color. Just a sky blue sketch.

He actually has a cat named after his favorite shipping... 'Johnkat'.. He was a strange person, honestly, and I don't think anyone could quite deny that.. but he was fun to be around..

And, Nel, if you so much as called the poor guy a banana, he'd think there'd be a deeper meaning behind it and get all emotional..

People here used to call me a banana-mermaid. Don't remember why...

I had no idea he was a huge Homestuck shipping nerd too! :o

..And he wrote /really/, //REALLY//.. uh.. mushy fanfics.. and a lot of times included.. uh.. /stuff/.

Wait, Nel, that's on his wall! 'The banana mermaid is ded because she can't swim'.

I knew he liked Homestuck.
I didn't know he shipped a lot.
Huh. Kinda like me...

It's true. I can't swim.

And yes. They (and I) would always say I was "ded".

Oh, I remember him saying.. he was sad he never got to hear your voice, because when you told him you could sing well, he kinda.. uhm, 'fangirled', I guess you could say.. And he was totally obsessed with Homestuck- don't you ever wonder why his characters had typing quirks..?

Yeah, I can sing pretty well. I probably would've been too shy to give him a listen anyway.
Did he really talk about me that much?

I've always liked OdO's typing quirk.
!t wa$ my favOr!te th!ng abOut h!m...

Yeah, he did, actually.. Usually is was about how he disagreed with some of your ships, though..

Well then.
I ship my things.
He shipped his.

Erf.. I'm afraid I must depart for now, sleep is calling me.. I'll probably make some huge posts about James tommorrow..

Aw. I was hoping we could talk some more.
Oh well. Bye.
And thanks.

Oh...
i didnt quite relise...
He was very good at hiding emotion...
And Taliv Garrot means emotional overload... essentially an emotional break...
It was what he was having when he talked to Maya...
and likely what he was having when he wrote on the walls...
and when he was commiting suecide...

Oh yeah. Right.

GOD DA.MMIT. NO. WHY? Just sc.rew it. Fu.ck it all. Why? Now he's gone, never coming back. FU.CK. Just. . . Ugh.

He certainly won't be forgotten. I most definetly won't forget him.

I hope we can meet again in another life.
That would be nice, wouldn't it?

would you look at that
im in tears and the poor lad probably never even considered me a friend

I'm going to unfavorite at least half of my favorites. I totally missed this... I hadn't even known until Ninji told me on Animal Crossing...
And now he's in my nightmares.

Wait... he mentioned the banana-mermaid on the walls?
Oh my- last night, I dreamed that he came to me in my room as a Kizaar and cornered me, questioning my morality and my spirit [like, if I was /really/ good or not], and he said
"YOu even k!lled the banana merma!d. YOu drowned her becau$e yOu cOuld, and yOu l!ked !t tOO, d!dn't yOu?"
My nightmares never make sense, but that really shook me. I /was/ the one that called you a mermaid, right Ninji? And then I fake-drowned you...
Even if it was fake, that really scared me for the dream to treat it as real...

Yes, it's true.
But this banana-mermaid will live on!

True. It just weirded me out.
Even I hadn't remembered about that :T
Yeah, I just need more sleep, 's all.

Ugh. I'm never gonna get over this.

Huh...
it is rather hard to beleive...
James has been here since... well, about half the time that I have...

He does have some.. unfinished and finished paintings that he never posted.. Perhaps I could upload those..

Could you upload them?

.... :(

...Well this was rather... Unexpected. Wow.

Wow, someone's late to the party.
Yes, indeed, James has died by his own hand. We all know it by now.
...took you long enough.

...I need to stop looking at his paintings so much. It's making me sad.

Fu.cking...
Why did you have to go and kiIl yourself, you fu.cking selfish bas.tard...
You could of at least had some bloody dignity in a sea of hopelessness, but no, you took the easy way out and drowned yourself in what you most despised, you bloody selfish son of a b!tch.
You despised me for self pity, but there isnt anything more pitiful than taking your own life in one of the most dramatic ways possible.
Da.mnit, James... you mother.fu.cker...
why did you do this to us...

Miss you, James. Even though we barely talked, you left your mark on me. I wish things didn't turn out the way they did, man.

Ugh, I still miss you James...
How silly of me, huh?

Happy Thanksgiving, you dead pr!ck...

I'm supposed to be over you.
Yet, here I am, crying over you. I miss you.

I didn't even know you that well and I wish you hadn't.

But I don't even know if living would have been any better for you.

...

I don't know why, but I named a Pokémon in my game OdO.

It was sort of subconcious, and I wasn't paying attention.

But now my Poocheyana is a Mightyana, with the name OdO.

It's so dumb.

I'm sorry.

I'l just go now.

I'm not gonna let'm out of my party.

It's not much, but I think it's all I can do right now.

Oppressing Darkness Overwhealms...
i see now... how your shadows overtook you..
Pain, doubt, grief, hopelessness...
Driven on by yourself and others, including me.
..
Especially me...
I acted like an a$$, but we both acted, didn't we? Rivals of sorts...
Friends in others...
connected...
I hardly knew you, know you, though I still consider you a sort of kin, spiritual or social, it matters not... you're still a part of me, dead or alive, d!ck or innocent. We were similar. Are similar...
I miss you, friend. Brother, I'll go as far to say...
happy new year for wherever you may be, be it an astral haven or mental manipulated hell, or even stuck in this world, just...
Be happy.
Smile...

Im fu,cking speechless